Monday, May 29, 2006

My Dad

Brian Slater was my father. He died of Huntington's diesease and, although I went to see him I felt racked by guilty every time. If I ever have kids * ( at 45 and HIV POZ not likely) they would bear his name. I loved my dad, and still do.

But (in case he ever reads this) Wiliam Halsall has been my father since 1969. I am older than him now when he became my dad, and I cannot imagine what love (for my Mum) it most have taken for Him to take on at 30 years old two bolshy kids, expecially me.

Somtimes step-families are dismissed. Thinking back on what an asshole I was, I can scarcely imagine what heroism it must have taken to take on my Mum (a gtreat person, but who I now recognise as bipolar) - What courage; what love - he is still the only person I will call in the middle of the night when despair hits.

I am queer. But the best man in my life has been Bill (about whom I have no sexual fantasies). He is simply my father, even if I call him "Bill."

I do not know if those in "birth families" ever recognise this - but let me state that I have no stepfather. I have a biological father (dead) and I love him. I have the man who has treated me as a son for 35 years. I Do not call him "Dad": "Bill" carries all the love I am capable of holding.


[Oh, and I hate the word "Stepbrother". David is as dear to me as anyone can be. He may ot know I spent 3 monthes whem he was from 9 to 13 motnths, praying all night, every night against cot death.

I dismissed my family from when I was 27 to 35 years old. Now they have no idea how much I care for them.

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